Life in Flux

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A while back, I announced on my social media pages that I had big news coming. It turns out, life had a few surprises for me as well.

It’s hard to call the surprises bad, but this period since completing my degree (I finished my bachelors in August) has been so far off from my plans and expectations that I’ve felt disoriented. Aside from my Facebook page, my social media posting has dropped way down. It’s been months since my last update here. My writing has been all for an ongoing, part-time freelance gig with my previous employer. The coverage I thought I was going to have for my kiddos to focus on beginning my novel didn’t pan out, so time has been just as scarce as ever. As I said, it hasn’t been bad though. What I intended to be the beginning of my author career has instead become a season to focus on healing.

I’ve been through a lot. More than most people know about. I’m sure that’s the case for everybody, to some degree. My life growing up was not as happy or healthy as it might have seemed. I have deep wounds that I’ve kept carefully locked away. I’ve dealt with some, but not with all. What hasn’t been dealt with festered to the point where I was reaching for anything to numb my inner pain and escape reality. I was hobbling along, trying to run with crutches. I was making it, but it was clumsy and inefficient. It was unsustainable.

Rather than begin my novel postgraduation, I began treatments to finally overcome my past traumas. I’m nearly halfway through something called neurofeedback and am already seeing a noticeable difference. My anxiety baseline has come way down. I’m less agitated and able to better focus, remain calm, and think things through. I expect only continued improvement.

Beyond neurofeedback, I will be moving into the next treatment that was recommended for me, which is a variation of EMDR. Where neurofeedback addresses things on a psychobiological level, EMDR is a process of unlocking doors our mind has shut on damaging experiences, working through them, and letting them go. Through this, we regain access to parts of our brain that we always should’ve been able to use. I’m confident that I’m on the right path with this combination of treatments, and that I’m becoming the best, strongest version of myself.

Why am I sharing this? Because I’ve been successful enough at life to accomplish major goals, but everything I’ve done has felt exponentially more difficult than it had to because I wasn’t operating at 100%. In fact, nowhere near it. I never knew what it could be like to not be constantly fighting inside. The older I get, the more I realize I’m not the only one.

You’re not alone. You never have been. You are cared about and deeply loved no matter what your brokenness tells you. It’s time to love yourself as well. Don’t be afraid to get help. I’m so glad I did. I’m so happy I am.

So, this is my life in flux right now. All my dreams remain, and all my goals will still be realized. I believe it. I am still making progress toward my debut novel, it’s just not at the rate I anticipated. I’ll not be discouraged, however. Every season has its purpose. I’m embracing this, and I know that everything that follows will be better for it.

More writing news is to come. Bear with me, stay tuned, and know that:

I love you. I love myself. Here’s to our mental health.